Bitter Waters

Two weeks in a row? This might be a new record. 

A lot of pain went into obtaining this view. Worth it.

So, I think I freaked a few people out with my last post. Mainly my grandmother and my mom. So, to anyone else who got a bit freaked... MY BAD. In all seriousness, despite all the garbage I listed thats been going wrong in the past couple years, right now I'm doing fine. This whole "feeling pain" thing? I'm all for it. If you had asked me two or three years ago if I would be sitting here writing about how great it is to FEEL things, I wouldn't believe you. Not because I would think it ridiculous that I would be super stoked to cry, but because I wouldn't believe that I would actually be able to produce tears.

Depression feels like nothing. Empty spaces. Rooms with no doors or windows. Walking in circles. Forever twiddling thumbs. Depression is numbing. It's just like the movie "Inside Out" when Joy and Sadness get lost and the different parts of the girl's brain start to shut down. Depression is not just living without happiness. It's living without sadness. It's letting anger and disgust and fear run your brain into the ground until you can't leave your house because it requires too much work and too much brainpower and just too much. That was me. I used to watch "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" regularly, a movie that never fails to make me sob my brains out. And I would just sit there, in the dark of my living room, watching Clementine fade from Joel's life, and feel nothing.

But today, when I have a little cry in the shower because I miss my best friend who I haven't seen in 4.5 months, or my stomach drops a little when I get a text I know won't turn out well, or my blood starts to boil because my mom won't stop bugging me about my love life (or lack thereof) ... I relish it. Because if I can produce tears, I can produce laughs. If my stomach can drop, my heart can flutter. If my blood can boil, my face can flush.

And if my body can do all those things, then it can move. It can go for a walk, climb a mountain, play a ukulele, go to a rodeo on a random Sunday, scream way too loud at a touchdown, jump off a cliff, write a sappy blog post that will warrant another phone call from its grandmother.

And so, while I appreciate everyone that called me up telling me they were worried about me, don't be. "You most of all, dear boy, will have to pass through the bitter water before we reach the sweet." (That's from Dracula, which I find very appropriate for this time of year.) I'm ready for those bitter waters. I'll swim through them all day because that sweet stuff looks appetizing. 

I am well aware that this time in my life is a high fever that can break at any moment. But I have slugged my way through darkness and finally made my way to the light. And if that fever breaks, and I find myself back in the shadows, I will know the light is waiting and that it is worth the journey.